A Lemon at Rest

An object in motion (presumably including a Lemon) continues in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. In travel, that force is often the journey itself... relatively speaking.

Travel is fun, but it is also the proverbial grape shear, painfully ripping away the parts that are keeping you from growing.

I am tired.

My last post was in mid-June. So, I think it’s safe to say I’ve strayed a little from my “post at least twice a month” plan. There’s so much to write about, and as odd as it sounds, that’s why I haven’t written. So much is happening. Always!

Since we have spoken:

• I went with my family to England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland and France (!!!?!?!!)

  • I explored castles and ruins, cried on the Dover cliffs, danced in the Highlands, searched for Nessie, befriended strangers in pubs, went to the Jane Austen museum, and rode the London Eye (don’t listen to people who say that’s overrated, by the way)

  • bought a CASHMERE sweater in Scotland and it was like $40 USD?!

  • Made pen pals in multiple countries

  • Lightly explored European tinder

  • Got a lil lost in Paris

  • Walked 1000 miles and walked 1000 more (...okay, not quite, but I walked a lot, AND I did place in a walking contest held by my work!!)

  • MET SOOOOO MANY MAGPIES!!

• I spoke in Washington D.C. at a premier conference in my field

  • This is huge in and of itself, but also I got to introduce a bunch of my DC friends to each other!!!

• I read ten Kristin Hannah books

• I was in another television show, a short film, and took a really cool acting class

• My Korean proficiency is actually, finally able to get me through a short email exchange

• I visited one of my best friends in Tampa for a long weekend

• I spent a lot of time doing professional development in Nashville

• Did an all-day meditative retreat at a sustainability-focused earth literacy center

• I farm sat?? How do you even spell that? You know, like house-sitting, but with a farm?

• Went to my first overnight music festival with two friends, one a longtime internet friend, who I was meeting in person for the first time

• Got Covid for a 6th time!?

More than anything, “The England Trip” was everything I’ve ever wanted.

It’s been perfect. In so many ways, the past couple of months have been a picture-perfect representation of what I have always hoped that my life would be like. If this is what my perfect life looks like, why isn’t it what I want to write about today? Why do I want to write about rest?

In addition to being one of the most beautiful and fulfilling times in my life, it’s also given me these experiences:

• Late nights spent crying, wondering what the point of it all is if such grand adventure and beauty is always “once in a lifetime”

• An overwhelming discontent with the day-to-day routine I’ve built for myself

• Numbness

• Endless prayers begging God to help me feel something more fully, to be more present, to experience all of this wonder more correctly

• Body pains

• A never-ending desire to fall in love and have someone to share all these moments with

• Interpersonal strains presented to me as character flaws, as I struggle to remember my schedule or drift apart from friends after long periods of time away

• A frustration of all that I still miss out on. Things going on that I wish I could be a part of, wishing I could be more, do more, spend EVERY moment feeling alive, and ironically…

A constant feeling of “why in the world am I so tired?” and a constant wish, no matter what I am doing, for my bed.

Travel is fun, but it is also the proverbial grape shear, painfully ripping away the parts of you that are keeping you from growing. It’s hard to endure mundane life after an adventure. It’s hard to deal with my EDS-related body pains that aren’t as thankful as I am for these opportunities and seem to be taking the compounded hours of jet lag pretty rough.

Beyond that, there’s the practicality of it all: saving up money & vacation hours takes a lot of time. As much as I wish that the Moral Of The Story from my time spent traveling was that I should just live a free, laissez-faire life, hopping around nomadically, I think the truth of it is much more grounded than that.

I am my best self when I am traveling. This means that I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with my best self lately.

I’m trying to incorporate this into my day-to-day life.

I love my life. I have the best friends, family, cat, and job. I live in a really cool town with plenty of opportunities to Do, Learn, & Be more. But I think for me, freedom isn’t about always doing and being everything that I can. Seasons are cyclical, and I think that we are, too. There are times for activity and there are times for rest and introspection. These calmer times give meaning to our adventurous days. I have a notebook where every country has its own page, and each page has detailed dreams, facts, and travel plans.

In a culture increasingly dependent on instant gratification, I think we’ve forgotten: there is so much joy in yearning.

For me, yearning is more than joy. It’s where I find meaning. It’s where I reset. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing things spontaneously, and historically I’ve been a bit of a yes-man because there is so much FUN in that— but I think there is something almost spiritual about creating a “finally.” Finally exploring something or somewhere when you’ve spent time loving it, learning it, and reading all about it. Finally bathing in the Icelandic geothermal waters that made you want to become a traveler in the first place. Finally walking the fields of Troy, remembering how you vowed to your second-grade class that you’d find the Trojan Horse someday.

Finally going with your family to England & beyond after decades of living in the mere dreams of it all.

I wonder what my next finally will be?

I was six the first time I became obsessed with another country. I was in Evita, and so naturally I absolutely fell in love with Argentina. My fondest memory of my father is him printing off pages about Argentine history from the library and teaching me how to look up things about Argentina in the encyclopedia. Currently, I have a flag of South Korea completely covering up the back wall of my bedroom, and as I write this, Duolingo is yelling at me to keep my Korean streak. I am subscribed to all of the local playhouses, and every time that I see an audition notice, I envision alternate futures where I live life on stages. There are over a dozen nearly-completed embroidery projects on my shelf. My Google Drive is overwhelmed with Ideas That Could Be Books.

I have so many more amazing finally’s in my future. I don’t want to rush it. I want to enjoy this. I want to feel the yearning for my dreams as deeply as I felt joy atop the Dover cliffs. I’m not alive just for the sake of being alive, I want to really be here. I want to feel it.

It’s too easy to panic.

Panic so easily tricks us into ruining our present by whispering to us that we are running out of time.

“I’m not making the most of it,” “I’m not present enough,” “I’ll never have this experience again,” and without realizing it, we let our fear rob us of the very thing it is claiming to protect.

I want to bask in the memories of my adventures. I want to smile, to read, to dream, and to write when I can. I don’t want to fight my body or my exhaustion; I want to flow with it. I won’t neglect the shears of wisdom that are shaping me and showing me who I can become. There is time for dancing, for social gymnastics, for parties and for ambition. For now, I choose rest.

Some recent snapshots I took At Rest with two of the people I love most: Gianna Liao (with the Kristin Hannah book) and Erin Ingram (painting while Bridget Jones provides the soundtrack). Just these activities alone are all the evidence you need of our Best Friendship. Shout-out to Canva for letting me put two pictures side-by-side when Substack tried to force me into a hierarchy.